Harry the Cop and His Codependent Ways

When I began watching season one of Dexter, I found myself rooting for him almost immediately, and what fans didn't? It's the essential notion of cheering for a killer that captivated so many viewers, and the same notion that resulted in the Parent's TV Council begging for CBS not to air the show on prime time television. But even though this aspect of Dexter's character brings a thrilling intensity to the screen and leaves us to wonder how right or wrong Dexter's actions might be, it is the weaving of Dexter's history that most fascinates me. Dexter is an exaggerated version of all of us, having been undeniably shaped and sometimes even coerced by the environment around us.

Primarily, the family that raised us sent a myriad of messages about who we are and what we are to do in the world. While watching the flashback scenes during season one of Dexter as a young boy with his foster father, Harry, I was intially relieved and elated that this understanding cop could have the foresight to help a child's urges be controlled or channeled. Certainly the writers intended this. The rescue of a troubled child with a mysterious past and the hero who gives his life potential is a classic story our culture loves. What a stand-up guy! What a selfless, giving, foster-father who not only changes a boy but also teaches how to deliver justice in a world that makes such horrifying mistakes!

However, upon further reflection, what becomes clearer is that Harry's "code" and his repeated interventions with Dexter are primarily for his own gain: he can't tolerate injustice, he gets off on being a savior, and his own guilt or remorse about events not uncovered until later in the series can be rectified by the daily sacrifice he makes to add a sociopath to his family unit. In a number of the flashback scenes, we see Harry stepping in to admonish Dexter and to give him messages about adapting and faking so that he will appear "normal."

In each of these scenes, have you noticed the deference and admiration Dexter gives Harry in return? What child wouldn't? Two more good reasons for the honest cop to take a broken birdy under his wing: if someone gives him that kind of respect and admiration, the sum for him, of course, is power.

And this is what makes Harry, in my estimation, a very codependent parent. Usually we refer to codependency in the arena of romantic relationships, as in, "I can't breathe when you're not here." Or the term is used to describe the person in a relationship who enables or supports another's behavioral patterns. But the bottom line is that in a codependent relationship, both parties believe they need the other to survive, and this belief stems from a limited sense of personal power.

Do you remember Dexter's first dastardly deed? When Harry was in the hospital, he asked Dexter to take out the nurse: the very nurse who had been attempting to hurt Harry. Talk about I can't make it without you! Even though viewers are led to believe Dexter has some kind of internal problem with his violent impulses, you wonder how Harry's influence actually made these impulses even more recalcitrant to change. To the point that he requested his son keep him safe in a hospital, Harry clearly wanted Dexter to feel responsible for him. He had it backwards: the parent is supposed to keep the child safe.

But children often feel some kind of responsibility to their parents. This occurs because parents often inadvertently create codpendent cycles with their children by relying on them: change you're behavior so I'll feel better, keep your needs at bay because I'm tired, cover up my sense of personal inadequacy by becoming a brilliant doctor, and so on. So the child learns to put their own desires and needs aside to serve the needs of the parent, and in this way the child becomes responsible for the parent.

The payoff for the parent is an emotional boost of self-importance, power, and control as well as feeling admired and revered. Ironically, the child is learning how to elicit similar feelings and discovers that it feels good to please their parents because they gain a feeling of love and approval. Both are relying on the other, making codependency a very mutually reinforcing relationship.

But it STARTS with the parents. Parents who need their children to behave in a certain way are really trying to quench their own unmet needs. Where have you noticed that this is true for you? Are there certain behaviors your child does that drive you nuts, and how are they related to your own needs? In what ways were your parents' unmet needs deposited into their expectations of you?

Once you can name them, the grip of those old expectations can be loosened. And like Dexter, our inevitable evolution gives us the chance to grow out of what we were taught in order to create our own unique ways of relating to the world. Please feel free to share about how you related to Dexter's process of questioning Harry or the moments you realized you wanted to move BEYOND your parents' needs for you to be what they wanted. And tell us how you did it!