Woo-hoo! Among the vast number of doohickeys you can use in the blog-o-sphere, I have added one to this blog, which is a small but real success. I have learned to post a YouTube video. And if you're a Dexter fan or not, you'll relate to this clip of our beloved and seemingly empty vigilante responding to Rita's question about his personal longings. Peer to the right to watch!
What I love about this scene is Dexter's narrative acknowledgement of the precise strategies he uses during the conversation to avoid sharing anything deeper or more intimate beyond the hope for a video game. It wouldn't be so hilarious if he responded in this blank way but without sharing his own astute observations. This scene grabs us so tightly because we are a smart, smart people who also use a slough of stratgies to keep us safe. And we not only use these strategies, such as evasiveness or superficiality, as a way to keep things controlled, but WE ALSO OFTEN KNOW THAT WE ARE DOING IT! We might even convince ourselves, as Dexter has, that we have no deeper level and then, of course, we never have to examine anything beyond our physical bodies and the tangible objects surrounding our lives. That might be an easier way to live, but from my perspective, it's not nearly as rich and satisfying as when we allow for some internal examination.
Habits and strategies that are used to keep us "safe" usually began years ago, and I mean hundreds of years ago, which is why they are often automatic as opposed to consciously chosen behaviors. Our families and the culture at large pass us parts of their psyche and we learn to negotiate our way in the world having adopted their schemas and tips. These tricks have been integrated into the way we engage with one another, how we talk to ourselves, and how we make decisions.
An easy example is the old adage, "The early bird gets the worm." Think about all the things this implies and how it informs your reaction when you oversleep, when you watch your partner oversleep while you clean the house, or when your neighbor has executed every weekend errand known to exist in two hours while you bumbled around your coffee pot and the morning paper until noon.
Do you ridicule yourself for this? Does your mind tell you all kinds of negative things about running behind or not accomplishing what early birds should accomplish? We may not be aware of it, but cultural beliefs like this one keep us doing heinous things. Many of us are running around looking for a magical worm and believe that we're more likely to find it if we wake at 7am instead of at 10am. If we're doing something based on a hand-me-down belief, whether from family or culture, but don't know it, this often means we're behaving unconsciously.
Someone behaving unconsciously would have the same conversation Dexter had with Rita in the YouTube clip, but without the recognition he was lacking substance. He would be unaware that experiences beyond an Atari can offer a different type of fulfillment and would likely not even feel a sense of stress or curiosity about the topic at all. His reactions to particular areas of his life would be based on impusles, urgencies, and fears, along with all of their concomitant beliefs of self-protection. Someone standing in this stage of personal development is also likely to lack awareness of his personal feelings toward himself or others. And it's very common that, as human beings, we're more or less conscious in some facets of our life than in others.
Do you know someone who operates unconsciously in a particular aspect of his or her life? Or, after a personally stressful event, do you notice having used an unconscious response pattern (like turning off your feelings, using violence, shutting down) as a way to cope?
If you can identify that you have done so, it doesn't mean you're living unconsciously on a broad scale. It just means that certain areas are trickier than others to change. It also means you can feel the difference between living on autopilot and making truly desired choices, and that some part of you wants to be free of those learned habits. And surely, it means you're like Dexter, talking about the Atari with a clear sense that something beyond it would ultimately be more satisfying.
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8 years ago
Dear IDWD,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the video clip!!! I love that scene too. He sort of comments on what's going on as though he is talking about someone else or like a character in a book, or a child would. Very honestly and unashamed.
As to what he was doing... Damn! He is spot ON about it, and you are too. It's just that in the moment, that kind of acknowledgment is hard to know what to do with. There are so many invisible or not talked about social constraints on how we relate to each other. He has got to be careful not to open the door to the new level, and if he is really honest with her, well, that will likely happen just by the nature of that kind of honesty... hmmm... another fear is that he can loose the relationship altogether if he were to be "really honest".
Well, I have a lot to say about all this, but I need to break it down. the most important thing i think is that this is the exactly the reason I have broken ties with all my old friends. Friends I have had for the last 20-25 years. I woke up over time to realize that we were bonded by the unspoken manimpulations of people emtotions and our perfectly matched neurosies. That and the fact that I felt they either had no desire or ability at this time to acknowledge what they were doing, much less try to fix it. Since our relationships were WELL established, the only thing that made sense was to leave the relationships. So, that is what I did, and it was hard at first, but I am so happy I did it. And now I feel much freeer to be myself with the people that I interact with and befriend. It's tricky stuff and for me took a while to figure out. Things got really clear once my son was born though.
Great post, as always.. And also, I just wanted to mention, another great clip/scene is where Dexter headbutts Doaks. I love that!
Have a beautiful weekend,
pf
Dear PF,
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked the scene, too! And you're right, the head-butting scene is was very well orchestrated. I'd like to be on a set sometime and watch them put all the pieces together.
You've underscored one of the important considerations in "going deeper" that we all struggle with, and certainly it's a theme for Dexter throughout all seasons so far. It IS a risk to share more because there is the chance someone will judge us, misunderstand us, leave us, etc. Moreover, if we consider ourselves to be perceptive (and you certainly seem it) and can probably guess someone's reaction to our deeper level or increased honesty, then the question becomes how do we use that information?
There are many choices. One that has worked for you was to leave some relationships. Others may decide to lower their expectations and continue in the relationships without the hope of going deeper or achieving more authenticity. I particularly am pretty sensitive and can read people quickly. Historically, I used that ability to keep me safe from those I deemed not emotionally safe. And it's still a handy tool when I run across people with whom I need to clarify my boundaries. However, another more recent consideration I've been trying on relates to something I read in one of the Conversations With God books. It said, "just because the person you are telling isn't able to 'hear' what you are saying, that doesn't mean you're not supposed to have said it." I'm paraphrasing, but that was the crux. It led me to think maybe the next level for me is to SAY and DO whatever it is that feels very uniquely me, and whatever their reaction is, it doesn't matter. That way you can follow your intuitive hits to be just who you are and you feel less and less connected to the outcome as it relates to someone else.
What do you think, PF?
Oh Girl!
ReplyDeleteI swear, if you lived near to us, It would be so hard choosing which I wanted more, to be your client or your friend! You are so all over this.
I have thought about the honesty thing too, and I used to do it a lot more. There were a number of reasons why I became less honest or vocal. I don't want to name all of the reasons, because well, it woule take a while to tie it all together to make sense AND because I think it would sound like a huge rationalization... HOWEVER, I will say that coming full circle to the honesty thing was a process. All those reasons I did not list were part of me chipping away at the process. Does this make any sense?
So, YES! Be HONEST! If the person isn't ready to hear, that is ok. You can plant a seed or water one which has already been planted. It may take a while for it to germinate, but that is not your work. Yours, (all of ours) is speaking our truth. I belive that people cross paths for many reasons, the biggest one is to learn or "exchange energies". So, if a person crosses your path, and your inclination is to tell them your truth, then there is a reason(S) they need to hear it, which may never surface to you... but hopefully at some point, it will for them. Often I believe it helps to have a certain amount of desire for realization/self evolution for that to happen, but who knows?
So, back to what you said about doing what is uniquely you. As I said, YES. I beleive that is the only way to be. The place where most of us need some practice is "discernment". To not only read the situation or person, but discern if it is best to speak your truth in that moment, wait, or how to best phrase it so that the person can more easily receive it. (Whether or not they use it. If something is phrased in such a way that the person becomes defensive, they will not really be open to hearing as much.) I mean, I know you know that, I'm just adding it for anyone else who may be reading. But the responsibility for what is done with the information is ultimately the other persons. Your (our) job is to be ourselves, read and discern. I know I say things as though they are fact, but it's the only way I can reason things out. But just for the record... This IS only my opinion. :-)
Thanks for your further sharing, PF. As I read your comments, I remembered a number of things in the past others had shared with me that I REALLY resisted in the moment they were spoken, and later really felt resonant with what they had said. Probably I did need to hear some of those things, and I wonder if they also needed practice in saying them...
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your highlighting of the concept of discernment, as it applies here perfectly. We are often straddling between silence and speaking, wondering what will be the best approach. And, as I'm sure you've experienced, you are even able to speak your truth by saying nothing at all and standing very powerfully in the truth of who you are.
It sounds like you really feel at peace with your process of having come full circle with the honesty part, which I do understand. It doesn't sound like a rationalization, it sounds like you were finding the right fits for yourself in that process. And often, it is a waste of energy trying to convince or share or even point to something when the receiving end is swimming in such a different shore. Thank you for sharing about your process here. People wanting to sift through these issues will find a sparkly gold fortune with your very well articulated experiences. Hasta pronto!