Dexter Wants to be Seen

When I was looking for a YouTube clip to accurately depict Dexter's seeming inability to develop trust or move beyond the superficial in his interpersonal life, (see Dexter Denies His Deeper Level) I noticed a pithy comment left by someone (a certain "dingpong2000") who wrote, "I think guys just generally relate to him. That's the magic of Dexter: he's the most normal abnormal person on TV."

Well, I couldn't have said it better myself. Dexter's character is simply an aggrandized version of all of us, which is why I like the show and why I wanted to mix it up with my unrelenting interest in human development and contextual influence. And while all television shows offer versions of our own experiences to peruse at a distance, it's Dexter's peculiar compendium of competing issues that most dazzles the viewing population. We're curious about how a serial killer is also capable of loving children and analyzing himself in the process.

What's been even more curious to me are the spiritual undertones that seem to be present in the writing, particularly when Dexter is opening and closing each episode with his thoughts. Throughout the first three seasons, he discusses the theme of feeling validated in a variety of ways. With his brother Brian, he risks losing the one connection that would reflect his real history and therefore confirm who he is. When he develops a connection to Lila and she appears to acknowledge and embrace his darkness, he's stunned and excited by this possibility. And in season three, Dexter looks again for the feeling of acceptance through another as he tries to forge a friendship with Miguel Prado.

Feeling validated, accepted, and acknowledged are all connected. They are primary feelings we experience which help us develop and define our unique selves. Physical touch, eye contact, and interpretation of facial gestures begin this process when we're infants and learning about who we are as the world reflects its face back to us. If a baby's first interactions are with an easy-going and generally happy parent, those emotional vibrations and tendencies will be transmitted to the child. Likewise, if a parent is tense, hostile, or insecure, the infant will experience this by looking at the parent's face and perceiving their anxiety through the way in which he or she is being held.

Since these first interactions are so vitally important to a child's development, it's no wonder that being validated and reflected in the eyes of another continues to be a powerful experience for us as adults. When Dexter says he wants to be "seen" this is what he means. And for me, there is something spiritual about this. When someone is capable of looking at me and appraising me or my circumstance with a compassionate, present-centered response, I feel loosened up, confirmed that I'm really okay, and free to move on to the next task at hand without as much resistance. Living with less resistance clearly has a spiritual component: there is a feeling of connectedness to the larger, non-physical aspect of who I am precisely because another human was able to reflect my experience back to me in a real way for a moment or two.

That's what Dexter's looking for and who isn't? Why else would people form friendships, get married, and make families? Feeling validated and esteemed for who we are gives us the ability to connect to another, and then becomes a springboard to connect to a field larger than us. We don't always have a name for it, and maybe that makes it even more delicious and mysterious. Some people report they experience these kinds of feelings rock climbing, laughing with their friends, sitting alone next to a tree, or being engaged in their work. And others are trying to experience this sense of connection to themselves and the larger world with other more risky behaviors, such as indiscriminate sex or binge drinking.

But the bottom line is we are all searching for ways to be "seen." This doesn't mean someone finds one of our external traits or successes alluring and tells us so. It's a little more delicate than that, and a bit more piercing. You know it when you feel it. It's someone who looks at us, experiences something, and reflects it back in a very open way. Or it's our own individual experience of sitting in front of the ocean and sensing we are part of it in some way.

When was the last time you felt "seen"? What happened inside of you as a result? How have your attempts to be seen changed over the years as you evolve? Have your attempts reflected things Dexter has done as well?

Chances are you haven't had to manifest your searching in such extreme ways, but nonetheless you are doing it. When you see Dexter ravenous to be acknowledged for who he is, you see yourself. It's really that simple.